It’s been a minute

Wow, I am not sure where to start…it’s been such a long time since I’ve gotten the opportunity to write much. We’ve had birthday parties to host, I’ve been training for a 10 mile race (which I may not be able to run due to hurting my knee. Boo), and things are just going a mile a minute in M and I’s life. 

However, I think things will be slowing down a bit soon. Fingers crossed! The break has been a little good though. I’ve really been focusing on prioritizing things in my life to make things better for my whole household. M has been a huge help in that. He used to give me a daily task list to complete, but we had to abandon that recently due to too many outside variables causing me trouble completing them regularly. Not being able to get those tasks done really made me feel bad because I felt like I wasn’t being able to serve him like I wanted to be able to. We’ve agreed that I will run our home and our day to day alone while he is gone, and when he gets home, he will decide what else needs to be done. 

Anyway, M and I have been doing well. I have been trying very hard to abide by my rules, and give as much as possible to him. He has decided I will be wearing my collar every night, and honestly, when he puts it on me, it’s the best part of my day. I love it! We have had a couple of scenes recently. He has been experimenting with a few different things, and although I didn’t really love being on the receiving end of a flogger at first, I’ve grown to love it. Our last scene, he used his hands, flogger, tied my hands and feet to each other and had me lay down on my stomach for a good portion of it. He poured hot wax on me in increments between the spankings. It was really fun, and I hit subspace. I don’t always reach subspace, but when I do, we have a cuddle session afterwards and usually have ice cream lol. It’s very calming aftercare to me. 

He recently told me that he gets almost a high as well after an intense session. He says he feels out of it, but very relaxed. For awhile, play had been lacking just due to being so swamped in our lives, so I cannot even tell you how happy and pleased I am to have scenes happening more frequently again. I love the feeling of being on the floor or on my knees and looking up at him just waiting in anticipation of what’s coming next. Pleasure? Pain? Both? Although for me, sensual pleasure and pain can mutually exclusive. 

On one last quick note, tomorrow is my birthday, and I’m hoping that he decides to play with me 😊 at the very least, I hope he thinks I deserve a nice birthday spanking…mmmmm. 😈

Happy Monday!

Marie

In Reflection Of Where We Are Now

So it’s been a few weeks again. Try as I might, life happened, and I could not keep up with what I had intended to. This week is going to be yet again another busy one, but I’ve got to find a way to write more and read here because my soul needs it. 

M and I have been working very hard to fine-tune our D/s relationship, and now 9 months into re-establishing ourselves as Dom and sub, I feel like we’re finally really understanding what each other needs. I’ve stated in previous posts that we have been doing D/s off and on for the past few years, but this most recent establishment is pure D/s with BDSM practices, as opposed to where we started which was a Domestic Discipline relationship. We are continuously evolving and always communicating. 

D/s – especially being married and having had a non D/s relationship for many years, is very challenging at times. Sometimes we slip out of our roles and need to get back on track. When that happens, I get very uncomfortable and never quite feel like myself. He is trying very hard to make sure that even when life happens and we cannot put as much energy into each other, that we still find simple ways to reinforce who we are to each other. 

After living this way with him, I don’t think I can ever go back to the way it was. He states he doesn’t want to either, but that means we have to choose it every day. One of my unrealistic expectations in the beginning was that I thought it would be easier than it was…that it would come naturally and we would have it down overnight. Ummmm…anyone doing D/s knows that it takes some level of continuous work, although I’m sure level of ease is different for everyone. For us, it’s been dedication and sometimes tears (well on my end lol), but I’m finally feeling like I can let go, and can give and give and give some more. I always struggled with wanting it how I saw it in my head because obviously that’s still me wanting it how I want, and that’s not true submission. He will have it how he wants it from me, but he does always ask for my in-put and feedback and builds from there. 

If anyone is struggling with D/s don’t give up so easy. It’s one thing to play in a scene for fun and get the kinks out, but living D/s all of the time is much more commitment, but for a lot of people is a much deeper on-going experience. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us, and no two single people in a D/s dynamic will be the same so it’s all a matter of growing and trusting and building. It’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to tear it down and re-build it into something better. I admit I have wanted to run away from it at times when it seemed like the work and frustration was greater than the rewards and pleasure. I’m so glad I didn’t. I know that if I run away, I’m going to be lost and will always ask for it again. I already have been there a couple of years ago. I always want to be here in my submissive mind-set looking up to him as my Dom. I can only hope that M decides the same for as long as we’re together. I trust that he will. 

I want to write soon about some of the challenges that come from not only being 24/7, but from being a 24/7 D/s married couple, and how to work through them. I think that would be helpful not only to give some insight, but to help me and M to continue to evaluate what has worked well and what has not worked out at all. 

My biggest goal is to just be able to have enough time to write here and get to know more about all of you other wonderful D/s bloggers. I found a D/s blog four years ago on accident, and it changed my life. I never knew there was a name for this. I never knew I loved kink (well I knew, but couldn’t acknowledge it like I can now). I never knew that D/s could be such an amazing experience, and without having found that blog, I’m cringing thinking about where M and I might be today. 

In my last post that was forever ago, I spoke about the collar he gave me. In actuality, it’s his collar, but he has been giving me the gift of being allowed to wear it every night. It’s become a ritual that after the kids are in bed, and we are able to sit down for the evening, he puts it on and locks it. I can’t describe what it feels like to wear it, but it’s a very calming and peaceful feeling. I feel instantly softer and am reminded of my place as his submissive. To wear it during a scene or during sexual acts is pretty intensely amazing too. The feeling of being owned is heightened so much more for me. Another thing he has recently given me is this gorgeous antique looking bracelet that honestly looks subtlety like a shackle and has bells on it. He doesn’t have me wear it out of the house (at least not yet), but he likes to have me wear it as a reminder of my place when he isn’t home and/or during daytime when I obviously cannot wear the collar. I don’t intend to wear a locked day collar because I have children pulling at me a lot, but I do wear a locked anklet that I’ve worn since before I’ve had the collar. All of these pieces remind me that I am owned, and I never want it any other way. I had stated I wanted to share a picture of it, so here you go. I love it ♡♡♡.  I’ll also add one of the bracelet because it’s so pretty!

Be back soon…

Marie

Vacation

I should have planned a little better before I started the 30 days of kink post, as I ran out of time to keep up with it. M and I, along with our family took a short vacation, and it was heavenly to have a change of pace for awhile. We rented a cabin in the mountains, and although things were more vanilla than usual for us, it was a great time. The cabin was small and with little privacy from the littles, we had to behave ourselves 😉. 

However, we are back home and getting back into our routine. I had been feeling a little off balance with our regular rituals not happening, but it feels good to have our alone time and space back no matter how good the trip was. All in all, we had a great time, and I’m a lucky girl because he still has the remainder of the week off of work! 

The best part of the week was that last night, he Collared me! It is absolutely beautiful! I know he had received it a couple of weeks ago, but I wasn’t able to have it until he felt I was ready. When he put it on me, it felt amazing. I felt very kept, cherished, and loved. I am hoping that if I’m wearing it again tonight, he might let me share a picture of it here. He did reiterate to me that he owns the Collar and that it will belong to him, and I will only be wearing it when he wants me to. After I received the Collar, he used the riding crop, his hands for a playful spanking, and gave me a massage. It was playful and not too intense, which was a nice way to ease into being back at home and getting our groove back on track. He then used me for his pleasure…I’m a happy girl today. 

I do intend to try and catch up with the 30 days of kink posts, and I cannot wait to catch up on everyone else’s blogs. Writing here makes me feel most myself and most at home. 

-Marie. 

Why not? 30 days of kink Day 1

​I have seen a few other people do this challenge and figured it could be fun to focus on something a little more light-hearted. I think M will appreciate some of my answers too 😉 he likes me to blog because he says he can meet me with better understanding. Maybe I can see if he will answer some of these as well…it could be fun to compare 🙂

Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
I am a submissive, and I’m starting to think I am a masochist as well. M seems to have a lot of sadistic tendencies I have begun to see in our play, and I quite like it. We complement each other well in that way. I am interested in the mental fun of power exchange and pretty much any way M can find for me to practice my submission. I used to hate humiliation, but I’m starting to like it a little. I like being bound and used, and my favorite bdsm act is spanking…in any form really. I love the riding crop, a belt, and wooden spoons the best…but his hands are my most favorite implement. When he uses his hands to spank, restrain, sometimes choke, and then caress, subspace comes pretty quickly. I’m hoping that sometime in the future we can play with wax again…that is fun. 

I believe there is a lot yet to be explored within our D/s relationship in terms of living it 24/7 and also the play aspect of things. There are so many things we are both thinking of all of the time. I know with all things though, it’s best not to rush. We are both still learning a lot about not only each other, but ourselves. 

Although I identify as a sub, I do have a curiosity for being a switch – but only if it’s with a female partner. I have no idea if M and I will ever ever ever engage in something like this with a 3rd party, but we both sometimes like the idea. It’s exciting to think that someday this fantasy could manifest, but we are completely dedicated to each other and our relationship first. We have to know we are 100% unbreakable and solid before we could ever consider this situation. 

This question is a tough one…I still don’t exactly know all of my bdsm interests or limits yet. Learning them is half of the fun though. I can most certainly say that M and I have evolved very much, and we are doing things now that 8 years ago when we first met, we probably would have never believed this would be us now. It’s facinating. 

Have a good day 😉 

-Marie

Last night’s punishment

I broke two rules yesterday. The first one was that I did not greet him with a kiss when he arrived home yesterday. The second was that throughout the day, I was having a difficult time juggling my to-do list that he had assigned to me. When this happens, which it does sometimes due to cicumstances outside of my control, he will meet me with understanding, but I have to bring it to his attention right away and ask for his direction on how he wants me to proceed through the struggle and time management of all of it. I failed to bring it to his attention, and he was not happy with me for this. 

During our talk last night, he told me punishment one was that today, I had to check in with him every hour on the hour to give him updates about how my day is going. He wants me to mindful of my time. I had to set alarms on my phone to make sure I am meeting the top of the hour deadline. I have to admit, this is effective. It’s keeping me very focused, but it is challenging. It’s keeping him on my mind so much today. 

Punishment two was for not offering him a kiss when he got home, I was not allowed to kiss him the rest of the night last night. It was hard to do because I wanted to kiss him very much. Going to sleep was hard without that sweet exchange, but he did at least offer me a kiss on the cheek. I won’t forget to kiss him again. 

Because yesterday was Monday and we have regular maintenance spanking on Mondays, he spanked me for punishment instead. I was not allowed to flinch or make noise. I was able to get through the pain, but not making sound was the hardest. I realized I had been holding my breath, and once we were done, I felt sick to my stomach. He did not intend to make me feel ill, but it certainly got the point across. 

Today I am feeling focused, on track, and very submissive. I realize I need to do better for him. I had not been punished in awhile, but I needed it. I appreciate his punishments and desire them when I’ve done wrong. Thank you, Daddy. 

-Marie

Daddy’s Rules

My last post was a melancholy one, but we have found ourselves yet again in a good place. I still struggle with being vulnerable and having enough confidence to be all that M wants me to be for him. I have a difficult time letting things go even after a punishment or a heart to heart. My mind is stubborn, and sometimes no matter how many times he tells me we are okay, and that I am good and he wants to keep me, my doubt can still filter into the cracks. The result of this devastates me, and in turn, doesn’t serve him at all. That person is not who I want to be. He has taken measures to reassure me and wants me to vow that I can trust him to know what is best for me. I am trying with everything I’ve got. I need to feel owned, loved, and kept. He wants to give that to me, I just have to fully give in.

Every morning, the first thing I must do before anything else is read my rules. It has not always been this way, but I need to start my day in a place of service to him. This helps me focus. He wakes me up. “Be a good girl and wake up.” I come downstairs, and I am allowed to get myself coffee as I sit down with my rules. I have them saved on my phone. I always feel at peace at this part of the day. We have very young children, and this ritual energizes me to take on the day and serve him and my family to the best of my ability. I have not always been a stay at home, but I am now. He loves it, but he knows I need help with structure and focus to manage everything at home and with the kids effectively. Submission is helping me be a better wife and mother.

This is what I read. This is what keeps me feeling secure. These rules are how I serve him.

RULES ARE ALWAYS SUBJECT TO CHANGE AT ANY TIME

1. The rules must be read every day.

2. You are mine. That should be at the front of your mind always.

3. Wake up in the morning when I get up, unless you are told to stay sleeping.
4. 11pm bedtime unless I allow later. No pleading/asking for later.
5. Do what you’re told when you’re told to do it.

6. Work is a priority and does not reflect how I feel about you or how much I would love to be with you. Work is necessary and no arguments over hours spent at work.

7. No mentioning of the time in the form or urgency to what needs to be done by that time.

8. No back-talking.

9. No Contradicting.

10. Stop talking when told to do so.

11. Speak when you are asked to.

12. No disrespect.

13. No questioning decisions/rules.

14. Begging or bargaining for a softer punishment will be tolerated. The punishment will increase.

15. All questions, concerns, or comments regarding our relationship will be brought to my attention immediately.

16. Dresses are to be worn on Fridays and Saturdays. Unless I request a dress to be worn on a different day.

17. On the days you wear dresses, you are to remove your underwear as soon as the children are in bed.

18. No masturbating unless told to do so.

19. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays we will have downtime (D/s discussion) and maintenance spankings. Other days may be added as necessary.

20. You are not allowed to initiate or ask for sex.
21. You are not allowed to say no to sex.
22. Anytime you are servicing me, your breasts are to be exposed.

23. Take 20 minutes for yourself every day.

24. Put down your phone when told to do so.
25. Document your day, every day.
26. Plan meals every Monday for the week.
27. No cell phone at the table during meals.
28. No phone during family time.
29. Clear the table everyday.
30. No more than one unfolded basket of laundry at a time in the house.
31. You must always greet me when I come home with a kiss.

These have changed over time, and I anticipate future changes as time goes on, but this is our foundation.

-Marie

Crushed

I am not sure what has been happening the last couple of weeks between M and I. I haven’t been able to find much time to write it out and sort through everything, but there’s such a heaviness in our relationship right now I am not sure can be fixed. I have been struggling in my submission. I have had a lot of life stressors that sometimes tend to bring out the very worst in me, and I don’t know how to always cope with them. I have had increased anxiety, and he gets angry with me when I lash out. He has a right to be angry with me in those moments, but I have felt so confused about everything, and he has no idea how to help. He started lashing out at me in the same ways. 

Communication has always been our biggest barrier when we are upset. When we’re fine and happy, we can talk for hours on end and never tire of it. When we’re upset, he wants to talk it out on the spot, in the moment, whereas I have so much trouble doing that…fight or flight…he wants to fight, I want to run away. We have not been able to meet anywhere in the middle. I wanted a safe place, I wanted to feel loved, and kept, and lately I just feel like all of my self-confidence is gone. I am not pleasing him and last night he told me he was getting tired of punishing me. Am I even a submissive at all? He tells me I’m not sometimes. It’s what I wanted. It’s what I asked for, but why is is so hard to submit these days? I feel uneasy and unsafe when he starts to get upset with me. I wanted to be guided and helped and there is a certain vulnerability that comes with being submissive that I don’t think he can truly understand. He doesn’t get how his words can crush my whole being. It takes me time to rid myself of negative feelings, and he wants them gone in an instant when we have worked through something. He tells me I cannot let go. He tells me I obsess…and I do. So how do I change that? I need a concrete plan. He doesn’t have one. The worst part of being self-aware is that I am a mental health professional by trade. I know that we may be damaging our marriage at this point, and yet I have no idea how to help it. Conventional therapy ideologies really cannot be applied too much in a D/s relationship. I didn’t learn anything about this. A part of me hopes we can salvage something before not only our D/s relationship goes, but our whole marriage does too. I don’t honestly know if we can. 

He says he wants and needs D/s, but at this point he states that I’ve messed with our whole dynamic so much that he wants me to fix it. I DON’T know what to do. He doesn’t either. Maybe I truly never figured out what it is that exactly need in this type of relationship. All I know is that in this moment, I feel totally lost, sad, defeated, and unloveable. I wish he could understand that I don’t know what to do. I want it to work. I wanted to be good. I wanted to make him happy. I have done none of that in the last 2 weeks. How do I do better? I believe he’s to the point of walking away, and I’m trying not to feel abandoned, but I do. I feel like we tried again, and this is the same pattern that happens. He gets so mad at me that I feel like there is a weight on my chest. I am reminded of what I have not done right. I just wanted to feel like I did do something right…at least once? 

I am not trying to write this and make it sound like I’m blaming him or making him out to be a bad Dom or husband because he isn’t. I guess maybe the realization that we may be better as husband and wife is what hurts. I am a submissive, and very soon may not have my Dom. Being married and living 24/7 D/s is so hard. Everything gets tangled and intertwined, and we cannot have a consistent way of interacting with each other because of life obligations and our children (which will always come first to anything), and I don’t know how to balance it. 

It’s not black and white, and for 5 out of our 8 years, we have been vanilla, so it’s easy to revert to old habits. I believe he has come to love certain aspects of kink, but I am not sure it is something he feels with his whole entirety like I do. It is something that will never go away, while for him, he views it as a choice. He doesn’t understand how devastating this is. If we go back, I’m burying a part of myself which will eventually resurface. It has more than one time, which is why we always come back to D/s. If we stay in D/s, our marriage and family may fall apart. I’m hoping that the weight of where we are feels extra heavy because I’m in the midst if such intense emotions, but then again, I know the possible reality and consequences for our relationship with whatever way we decide to proceed. It hurts bad. 

I love him, but love in itself cannot sustain D/s. I hope so much we can make it work. It always starts so amazing, then we cannot work through the stuff that comes up. He doesn’t know how to take care of my vulnerability but neither do I. I’m not sure if our trust in each other is gone or if it was ever really there to begin with. I am hopeful that I can come back to my blog again and write some good news. I really hope so. 

-Marie

Watch “Lana Del Rey – You Can Be The Boss (lyrics on screen)” on YouTube

Just a song I love 😘

To Be Adored

Last night was simple, yet so meaningful to me. He asked me to join him in the shower. This is something we don’t do often, but I was more than happy to oblige. Once in, he had me wash his hair and wash him, and then he showered me. He washed my hair and my body slowly, paying attention to how he strategically moved his hands to make me weak for him. He offered me kisses as the water just seemed to wash all the stress of our recent lives away. It was amazing. He told me he I was his, and that he wanted to take care of his property in all ways.

He then bent me over and played with me, used me, loved me, fucked me.

Him: “What do you want right now?”

Me: “Anything you want.”

Him: “Good Answer.”

Him: “Who’s my good girl and will let me do whatever I want?”

Me: “Me.”

Him: “Who owns you in all ways?”

Me: “You.”

My voice becomes weak and soft, and I melt like butter when he calls me a good girl. I don’t know why. We are not DD/lg, but he does prefer me to call him “Daddy,” and I love addressing him as such. At other times, he prefers I call him “Sir,” and he has made sure  I know in which instances to use which.

Last night I felt so adored and loved and taken care of. For me being in a D/s relationship gives me a place to feel safe and kept and protected. D/s is a funny thing sometimes. Sometimes we have intense sessions of S&M play which can get me to subspace pretty fast, but other times like last night, the loveliness of our softer interaction could get me there too. I was swooning and felt more submissive than I have in days. Oh I loved it!

Before bed a little later on, I received my Monday spanking. I am doing so much better not moving my body and flinching when the impact happens. I am able to wait patiently and stand very still and wholly receive and accept what he is giving to me. He asks me how I feel between the swats, and I say, “Focused.” I love how much stronger I already feel. I love him so much – my Dom, my Daddy, my protector, my lover, my everything.

Marie

 

 

 

Submission Is Not A One Size Fits All

Throughout M and I’s D/s journey, there have been many moments of self-discovery. Lately, the biggest one for me is realizing how easily I can revert to old patterns without strong, consistent dominance. M is continuing to work very long hours, and we do not have as much contact as we typically do at home. When he is home for the day, there are so many family priorities that require our attention, that our dynamic cannot always be easily reinforced in every moment we have together. I am a strong-willed person. I can handle myself and can make every decision in the book that I need to – but I don’t want to. Before we embraced D/s, this was where our marriage was. He loves me completely, and because I am so strong-willed, it got to a point that it was easier for him to give me everything I wanted – which looking back now – was actually the worst thing for me and for us. We both recognize this now, but back then, we couldn’t figure out what the problem was. I subconsciously had the desire to submit to him, but because he gave me full control over time, I couldn’t tap into that. We have come so far!

I will not say I am a brat or bratty. I am not. I do not ever intentionally challenge him. I do not. I am strong-willed, but what I need completely and totally is for him to be stronger than me. I have been told I can be intimidating to men. I am smart, respectful, polite, and highly educated. I am friendly and talkative, and am not typically shy or docile or submissive to much of anyone. I am not implying that there are a huge amount of subs who will  submit to anyone who asserts dominance, but for me, my submission requires mutual respect, and it has to be earned over time. Once M had the green light from me promising that I would not resent him at all for the decisions he did make for me and us, his dominance was back. It was always there in the beginning, but somehow, our roles were switched slowly over time, and it left us both really needing much more and confused as to why we weren’t getting along as well as we wished we could years ago. Being the submissive  I want to be to him and allowing him to dominate me has made us amazingly fulfilled.

I’ve read articles and blog posts prompting women to just be “more submissive” if they want their husband to be more dominant – especially when a D/s dynamic is new and was initiated by the woman. For me, that would not work. I have to respond to dominance to give my submission. I also require a lot of discipline sometimes and frown upon being given leniency. With him being gone so much and life’s stressors in the way, it’s been easy for me to slip out of my submissive frame of mind at times because he cannot require as much of me. I need to be challenged and held to a high level of accountability, and when it’s just not possible, I forget who I am sometimes. This is not his fault at all. He is doing everything he can to keep me properly maintained, and I am doing my very best to keep his needs in the front on my mind as my main priority. I just miss him so much. I miss sitting at his feet and feeling his hands on me, and having an opportunity to earn the praises of “good girl.” I can handle it all when he’s gone, but I want my safe place back, my softness, the ability to feel totally vulnerable again. D/s is tough work when you have a submissive like myself. I cannot apologize for who I am, but I do know that he appreciates my submission that much more because he’s earned it, and he knows I’m only his. Without being able to practice my submission fully because life is in the way right now, I start to feel out of control and my softness gets a little calloused. I have never been one to immediately offer submission, and that will never be me. Show me you’re strong enough to smooth my ruffled feathers, strong enough command me and not ask me, strong and smart enough to match my wit, and appreciate all of the strength I have so I can give it to you, then I will be the sweetest, most delicious submissive there ever was. I cannot wait to have more of M and to give him everything he wants. I love him and miss him and cannot wait to be used for his pleasure.

Even though he cannot be home much, and is incredibly exhausted, I am striving to put myself in his shoes, and instead of crying because I feel let go of or am not getting as much attention, I find that just offering him some understanding and being patient like he has asked me to do is in itself the most submissive thing I can do right now. It’s been challenging for me, but it’s pushing me to be a better submissive. He has placed a high incentive on this, and if I do well when these long hours are over, I get this gorgeous collar 😉 I wear a locked ankle bracelet everyday as a symbol of my submission to him, but I won’t feel complete without the collar. I have to keep myself in the right frame of mind and grin and bear missing him so much if I want this reward. I’m trying so damn hard. Just finding time to blog has already helped keep me in my place. I am his, and even if I don’t love how little he is able to ask of me right now, I have to accept that. That’s what submission is. Acceptance over a will that is not your own. My strong little self needs to embrace that.

-Marie